Thursday, November 16, 2006

True Story
The Search
for
My Hidden
Super Power

Lately, I've been really obsessed with the idea that I have a hidden super power. It must just be that I don't know what it is yet because I haven't tried the right one. This revelation led me to create a list of every super power I could think of, which I then went through, one by one, to see if I did in fact have any extraordinary abilities:

Flight: I kind of half-assed this one. While I was walking around outside I closed my eyes really hard and tried to concentrate on my body lifting off the ground. Obviously nothing happened but I think to really test this one I need to jump off something. But then there's always the horrible possibility that I don't have the power of flight and that I'll just kill myself. I'll just assume for now that I can't fly and move on.

Telekinesis: This is the ability to move things with your mind. I actually did put quite a bit of effort into this. I was sitting in a chair in a lounge on campus with a little thing of milk I was drinking sitting on the table directly next to me. I placed my hand around the milk container like I was going to grab it but I kept my hand about an inch or so away from it. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the space between my hand and the container . Then, I tried to focus on the molecules between them and attempted to make the milk carton come to me. I tried this for like two minutes before I realized that I probably looked really creepy just sitting there with my eyes closed, a look of intense concentration on my face, and my hand on this milk carton. So I got up and left. Scratch that power.

Super Strength: I'm pretty sure I would know if I had this power. And I don't. The most I could ever bench press in my high school weight training class was 165 pounds. Strike three on the powers list.

Tissue Regeneration: I burned my finger with a match two weekends ago and it's still not even completely healed. Maybe I have the opposite of this power? But I guess that would be like tissue necrosis or something and I would have gangrene all the time. Gross.

Weather Control: I know I don't have this power because I used to be incredibly scared of tornadoes and even thunderstorms in general. I'm pretty sure this ability would have manifested itself already while I was desperately praying for the clouds to go away and trying not to piss my pants while cowering in my basement.

Freeze Time: I tried to see if I had this power many times during high school. Who doesn't want to stop time and touch a girl's boobs? Well, I guess a gay person, but the consequence-free genitalia-touching idea remains the same. Needless to say I regrettably don't have this power.

Invisibility: I tried this before for the same reasons as above. Again, unfortunately, it was a no go.

Walk Through Walls: This power has always kind of puzzled me. When people walk through walls, I assume that their molecules change somehow to allow them to pass through. But how do their clothes and other accessories stay on them? Wouldn't you walk through a wall and come through naked on the other side? And when you do switch your molecules around, what's to stop you from falling through the floor? It's totally mind-boggling. Oh, and no, I don't have it.

Shoot Lasers From The Eyes: I have tried this, but on more careful consideration, I realized I wouldn't really want this power. What if I became like Cyclops from the X-Men and I had to wear sunglasses or a visor all the time? How does he fall asleep with that thing on? I guess I would like it if I could turn it on and off like Superman, but other than that it would kind of suck.

Obviously this list could go on and on, but I don't want to bore you with the powers I don't have. Instead, I will now reveal the power I do have......

Power Mimicry: I have come to the conclusion that I must have the ability to take on the powers of those around me. The only problem is I'm the only one in the world with a super power that I've met so far, so nothing has really happened with it yet. But give it time and you'll see what I mean.

2 comments:

Patrick said...

Ted. I think you super power is that you can drink a bunch of cider before I even show up at your house.

Boo said...

Ted,
I always knew there was something different, something "special" about you. Look, YOU survived the dive over the bushes.