Mustang: Car used to be able to gallop freely over the prarie. Then man came, tamed the car and domesticated it. Now the car is forced to prance around like a pansy at circus shows.
Jaguar: Car hides in the driveway behind the rose bushes for several days. When your 9-year-old son emerges from the house to go to school one morning the car pounces, mauls him to death and leaves his carcass in the oak tree for later.
Matrix: Entering the car transports you to another world populated by threatening men in black suits who can replicate themselves by the hundreds and attack you with martial arts.
Hummer: You typically receive this car after 2-4 dates, depending.
Viper: Car delivers a deadly venomous strike if you approach with sudden or threatening movements.
Edge: Car often plummets off abrupt precipices.
Cavalier: Car seems to take even the most sad and depressing events with an alarmingly positive and flippant attitude. Car also wears stirrups and carries a sword.
Aztek: Car will use you as a sacrifice to appease the gods.
LeBaron: Car used to own a vast estate in the south of France. Though it was raised to take on the responsibility of its father's winery and assume its rightful place at the head of the family, recent economic restrictions passed by French legislators have stripped the car of its expected inheritance. The car now slums around the beaches of Ibiza looking for club girls who get off on its majestic-sounding name.
Focus: Car studies way too much for its own good, really needs to get out more.
Thunderbird: CAR HAS RISEN FROM THE ASHES OF THE AGE OF GIANTS. CAR WILL DESCEND UPON THE MORTALS AND REVEAL ITSELF IN THE FORM OF THE MIGHTY SKY HAWK. GREAT STORMS AND EARTH-SHATTERING CATACLYSMS WILL HERALD THE ARRIVAL OF THE CAR.