Friday, December 8, 2006

You Don't Want
My Job

When I'm at school in Milwaukee, I work as a parking enforcer for the university. This means that I'm the guy that's universally hated by everyone. Even people who don't have a car. As soon as I tell someone what I do the first words that come out of their mouth are almost always, "I fucking HATE you!" Really? You hate me? Personally? Now that you know what I do you all of a sudden hate me? Great. My job sucks enough without everyone I meet instantly deriding me.

Here's a typical shift as a parking enforcer: I get to work and gear up with my shitty yellow vest thing that turns me into a big blazing yellow target. Then I go out onto the campus and start making my rounds. It's even better now that it's December and it's practically -50000 Degrees below zero. So I'm out and about, doing my job, and I immediately feel like I have to watch my back.

I'm like the fucking parking NINJA. I'm in and out of those lots so fast that people don't even know what hit them. But sometimes I'm not fast enough and that's when I get shit on. Here's an example: One time I was out working and I was in this medium-sized lot when I look over at this area that I had already been in and I see this lady looking around madly. I see her see me. She sees me see her. She yells at the top of her lungs, "FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKERIN' ASSHOLE!" Then she gets in her car and drives away. She's content to vent at me. She doesn't feel the need to come over to me and challenge the ticket, even though if she had I would have taken it back. My boss' policy is if someone comes up to you while you're writing a ticket, you cancel it immediately and walk away. My own policy is if someone comes up to me within five minuts of me writing the ticket, I take it and write on it, "Person came while ticket was printing," and then I walk away. No questions asked.

I don't like giving tickets, OK? I don't like being a dick who has to make people pay $20-$30 for a stupid ticket. Let me stress this again. I'M JUST DOING MY JOB. I don't like my job. I don't like being universally hated. But if I didn't do it, I wouldn't get paid. And it helps that it's the highest paying job on campus, all right? It's nice to make some money. And yes, sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I like giving out tickets and making other people pissed off. But most of the time I'm a nice person. So fuck you.

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